lionheart | by shadesofeleven
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Sail
I’m just a stupid girl
That willingly got into a boat
I watched you drill holes in,
And now I’m sailing
In an open seat of regret
Without the strength to fight the inevitable;
I’m sinking.
Changes
Hiii, loves! I’m still alive, I swear. And I promise I’m not slacking off with my weekly postings, it is just that the last two weeks have been insanely busy. So where should I begin?
My baby and only brother got married. I still can’t believe it. The wedding was small and beautiful and completely fitting for him and his now wife. There were mostly friends of the couple in attendance, but it was nice to have our family there including our grandparents from Mississippi and our cousin from Colorado. There were a few bumps along the way, including a missing wedding band and the photographer’s hair catching on fire (I guess she could say she was officially a fiery redhead?) But we all had such a good time. My sister shed tears during the ceremony while I continuously fought them back and I silently prayed my brother wasn’t gonna dead ass pass out with the way he was swaying back and forth. When my mom and brother had their dance, I don’t think there was a dry eye in sight. I know I had streams coming down my cheeks. It’s hard saying goodbye even when you’re not really leaving but you know everything is changing. You know that your brother isn’t going to be in the bedroom next to you each night now, you know you’re not going to see him every day. It’s scary and heartbreaking to think about and even more so when it starts to happen.
I’m incredibly grateful for the night before his wedding when he spent the night just talking, laughing, and singing with his two sisters and favorite cousin. It’s a memory I’ll never forget and will forever hold close to my heart. My brother will always hold such a special place in my heart because he was my first sibling. He was the first person to make sure I wouldn’t have to go through life alone. When my Dad passed away, he encouraged my Mom to remarry and to promise that she would give me siblings. He made his dying wish come true. Jared and I have such a tight and fierce sibling relationship that I truly believe has a love that could move mountains. I’m so proud of the man he’s become through all of life’s trials and tribulations. He never ceases to amaze and impress me with his go-get-it demeanor and how he always manages to find a way to get through the dark. He will make a wonderful husband and I cannot wait to see where life continues to take him.
My 25th birthday followed just days later and it was by far one of the best. Birthdays have always been a big deal to me and I’m not entirely sure why. 25 is monumental for me though. See, my Dad who shares the same disease as me, Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, only lived a month after his 24th birthday. Pretty much all my life, from as early as I can remember, I’ve wanted to know everything there was to know about my Dad because I wanted to be just like him. I think I thought that if I could be just like him then maybe it would feel like he was actually here with me. As I grew older, I came to realize that I was much healthier than my Dad and was subject to live a long life. Turning 24 was an age I kind of always feared while growing up. Would I still be here? Would I be in a hospital bed? Would I be alone? Would I be in pain?It’s crazy to think those are the thoughts that I would have for being 24. I never would’ve expected 24 to bring me college graduation, working a job that I absolutely love, my family growing, or finally understanding the importance of the relationships I have in my life. Doing everything I did while 24 was dedicated to my Dad and now at 25, everything I do and every decision I make will be in regard to him. I like to see it as him living through me. This is how I keep him close and how I like to pretend that he’s still here. We’re one.
I chose to celebrate my birthday this entire week with fun activities including a day at Krog Market and the Beltline in Atlanta where we did a little birthday photo shoot equipped with lavender ice cream (holy shit??? so good)and then dinner at the Vortex in Little 5 Points (also incredibly good and you should definitely if you’re 21 or older!),we also spent a day at Botanical Gardens and had dinner at a place called True Foods (shoutout to my cousin Whitney for suggesting this place. If you like trying new and healthy foods, check this place out over by Lennox Mall!), and we rounded up my birthday celebration with dinner on my actual birthday at the Melting Pot which is always a solid choice that you can never go wrong with. My birthday week was filled with some of my favorite people doing new things, eating hella good food, and drinking lots of red wine. I even got my third tattoo which is a matching blue heart with my cousin. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to turn a quarter of a century.
I hope you all enjoyed this little life update. Much love.
-HT
Finding the Good in the Bad?
Have you ever had a day or maybe even time periods in your life where everything that could possibly go wrong, does? I’ve been faced with that a lot recently. I’m not sure if its because I wear my emotions at the forefront of my being or if life can just be that shitty sometimes. I’m thinking that it’s both.
Now, I’m not saying, “poor, pitiful me,” because I do see how beautiful and wonderful life can be, and honestly, the better moments are much more common than the shit moments. But why is it that we get so hung up on the bad? Why do we let the negative take over our time and energy? Is it because they aren’t as common as the good? Or does the good just go unnoticed so often?
My reasoning for not posting last weekend was because I had planned my best friend’s bachelorette trip. I had been working for months to make this trip memorable and exciting for her and her bridesmaids that I never, not even once, took into consideration that there would be bumps in the road. I guess I assumed that if I planned everything perfectly, that there would be no way anything could go wrong but know that I look back at my logic in that – it’s almost hilarious. Of course, there’s going to be things to go wrong, that’s life! We find a way to make the best of it!
Between a sick bride, multiple car issues, an overcrowded New Orleans, and a dead wheelchair in the middle of a casino with the charger 45 minutes away…you could say we had been hit with some shit. I was devastated by how the weekend turned out. I felt like I let my best friend down. All I wanted and have ever wanted for her was absolute perfection and to make her happy, and although she didn’t complain – not once, I couldn’t help but to feel like I completely failed her.
The entire five-hour drive back home, I did what I do best at: overthink (I mean, I should honestly get an award in it). I thought about what I could’ve done differently to make it a better trip for everyone, how I could’ve done better research for more alternative things to do, how I thought it was even REMOTELY okay to not bring my wheelchair charger???? Like, what the hell, Haley?
When we got about 30 minutes away from finally being home, I realized the incredible sunset that was happening all around me. It was a 360-degree sunset view and with that, God took all of my worries and stress away. Everything that I couldn’t stop thinking about that day, disappeared in the purple and blue and pink and red and yellow and orange. I saw that every bad ends in good if I just open my eyes to see it. I saw that yeah, there were some really shitty moments over the weekend, but we were surrounded by love. We got to spend three days with people that we never get to see. We laughed and got to learn new sides of each other. We tried new foods. Everyone saw me be force-fed a shot by some crazy waitress and that alone was a sight to see, lemme tell ya. I think I saw my life flash before my eyes in that moment.
I found myself at peace while watching this sunset and I realized that the bride to be didn’t ever complain because regardless of all that happened, I managed to still bring us all together to celebrate her and that’s all that mattered. I think that says a lot about life and about God. There’s always gonna be “the shit” times but the fact that we’re living and breathing through it is a sign that we’re only destined for greatness ahead. Although I learned a lot from last weekend, we can all agree that a bachelorette trip do-over will be in the future. Maybe in a year from now. Maybe at a resort. Maybe with lots of alcohol. Definitely lots of alcohol. But most importantly, with the same people that can bring comfort and happiness despite the obstacles that lie ahead.
-HT
If anyone would like a detailed account on my wheelchair dying and what was going through my mind at the time, let me know. Y’all might enjoy it?
